The end of the 21 day lock-down in India is around the corner. While I’m counting days, comes news of a likely extension by another 14 days. I can hardly wait! In this context, for the life of me I cannot imagine how the patriarch Noah and his family were shut in for three hundred and sixty four days! Yes, you read it right: just a day shy of one full solar year! So, help me God!
Noah, why not call him Gran’Pa Noah, as children all over the world do, for he was all of six hundredyears old when we meet him as he was about to enter the Ark. Yes, you can bet Gran’Pa Noah – as captain of the vessel – had quite a job on his hands with the family in quarantine. Wife, three sons and their wives – eight souls in all sharing the confines of the Ark – with an amazing variety of animals and other creatures that would make the Bronx Zoo proud. Recipe for pandemonium!
But as always, the trouble started with the homo-sapiens. Initially the three young wives (aged 200, 175, 150 I imagine!) of Shem, Ham and Japheth thought it was going to be a jolly cruise around the world- fun. Apparently they weren’t the only ones to think in that direction. Writing a rarely visited literary work on the subject of Noah’s Ark, Vedanayagam Sastriar* imagines with (a rather generous) poetic license that the Ark went on a tour touching:
இங்கலீசு ராச்சியம் லண்டன் பட்டணமும் England, London**
இஸ்பாஞா ராச்சிய மாதிரீத்து நகரும் Spain, Madrid
உங்காரி தேயத்து பூதாப் பட்டணமும் Hungary, Budapest
உலாந்தாவில் அமெஸ்தர்த்தாம் றோத்தர்தாம் நகரும் Holland, Amsterdam, Rotterdam
சங்கைஇஸ் கோத்துவில் ஏதன்புருகுப் பட்டணந் Scotland, Edinburgh
தாத்தார் தேசம் அவுஸ் திராகன் பட்டணமும் Crimea, Augustus (Sevastopol)
புங்க ஈர்லாந்துவின் நூபிலீன் பட்டணம் Ireland, Dublin
பொறிகுப்போ யேமியாப் பிராகுப் பட்டணமும் Bohemia, Prague
துங்கமிகும் போர்த்துக்கால் இஸ்போவாப் பட்டணம் Portugal, Lisbon
சுவேதி ராச்சியத்திலிஸ் தோக்கோல்மு நகரும் Sweden , Stockholm
அங்கவஸ்தியாக்கீழ் நாட்டினிற் பிரிசெல் Low Countries, Brussels
அயிரோப்பா துற்கி கொனஸ் தாந்தி நோப்புளியும் European Turkey, Constantinople
வங்கை யித்தாலியா வின் ரோமாபுரியும் Italy, Rome
மாதரு மதின் மார்கிற் கொப்பனாகன்னும் Denmark, Copenhagen
சுங்க பிராஞ்சுவிற் பரிசு பட்டணமும் France, Paris
சுவிசு நாடானதிற் சிறிகு பட்டணமும் Switzerland, Zurich
திங்கட் சிலேயாப் பிரே செலவு நகரும் Slovakia , Bratislava
சீர்ப்போ லோனியாக்கிறாக் கோவும் வாற்சோவும் Polonia (Poland) Krakow, Warsaw
கங்குலீவோலினியா ரெவல்றீ க்கூறும் Iceland, Reykjavik கலைமேவு ரூசியா மொஸ்கோவு நகரும் Russia, Moscow
பெண்கட் புரூசியா பெர்லீன் கெனிகிஸ்பெருகும் Prussia, Berlin, Königsberg (Kaliningrad)
பின் லாந்தி ராச்சியத் தாபோப் பட்டணமும் Finland, Abo (Turku)
நங்கு நொர் வெகு பொ லீனகர் அவுஸ்திரி Norway, Bergen
யாவில் விவியவியனும்கூர் லாந்தின் மித்தரவு Austria, Vienna, Courland(Latvia), Mitau
மங்களல் மாஞாவிலேவியன் தன்கீழ் Germany
மயிஞ்சினில் மொகுஞ்சு திரியாவிற் கொப்லேஞ்சும்
பங்குகொ லோனியாப் போன் பட்டணமும் Cologne, Bonn
பாவாரியா மினிகன் சக்ஸோனி திரே ஸ்தன் Bavaria, Munich, Saxony, Dresden
கொங்கு பிறான்தன் பூர் குப் பெர்லீன் பட்டணமும் Brandenburg
கோட்டுப் பிலாத்தி னா த்தின் மன்னேயி ம்பதியும் Mannheim தங்கப்புருனுசு வீக்கினன்னோவா வைதல் Brunswick , Hannover
தான்சுற்றி யாசியாவில் வருகுது காணக்கப்பல்
Mind you, that is only Europe. Then there are other continents to cover – Asia, Africa and the Americas. Phew! Talk about a packed itinerary!
Anyway, to come back to our story, the damsels quite enjoyed it all in the beginning. Then, the ark-work began to weigh them down. The realization dawned on them slowly that there were no maids to help them. Gran’Pa Noah, sitting in his easy chair and reading the Ark Times brought out by his sons could hear a chorus which initially sounded like ‘California dreamin’. But upon listening closely, he could make out that the words were different:
All the maids are gone ( all the maids are drowned)
And the sky is grey (and the sky is grey)
I’ve been for a walk (I’ve been on deck)
On such a rainy day (on a rainy day)
I’d be safe and warm (I’d be safe and warm)
If I was in bunk (if I was in bunk)
Sunny day I’m dreamin’ (clear sky dreamin’)
On such a rainy day
If all the maids are gone, it meant all the work was to be done by the trio!
Just look at them! Do they look like your average sweeping, swobbing, dishes type? Methinks they look kind of voguish, as though they’ve just stepped down from the catwalk in Milan! And you are expecting them to wield the lowly broom? Come on, ஐந்தில் வளையாதது நூற்றி ஐம்பதில் எப்படி வளையும்? I say, Shem, Ham and Japheth might have had taste in choosing their life partners, but they reckoned without life in the Ark, with all its rigours. Just take one look at the mother-in-law, Mrs. Noah standing there in supervision with hands akimbo and giving a withering look
You’d better watch your step, Ladies! (as you can imagine, the three husbands quickly skedaddled and hid themselves in the lowest deck under the hay!) Well, for some time, the threesome tried to make it somewhat sufferable with some Pilates music and Jane Fonda routine. But day in and day out without a break – no way! It wasn’t long before they lifted up the banner of revolt. Simultaneously striking work, they left Mrs. Noah to handle all the arkhold labour by herself. And she wasn’t amused. Try feeding the elephants or watering the camels single handed!
But you don’t have to feel sorry for the Lady of the Ark. She was a formidable woman alright. With her hands trained at the grinding wheel daily – idlis for eight everyday day in day out, week after month after month (as for the total number of idlis , you can do your math for 52 weeks) – she was built like a female wrestler! And she was no slouch with barbed repartee either. If her daughters-in-law annoy her one way, she was in return capable of irritating them one hundred ways.
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(credit: ecohindu.com) -
(credit: hungryforever.com)
Wondering what her name was? The Bible does not give her name; however, according to Jewish tradition her name is Naamah – the sister of Tubal-cain, a descendant of Cain, the son of Adam and Eve (see Genesis 4:22), according to the website BibleInfo.com. And she was the first to practise and perfect the technique of nagging, quite in contravention to her name, which supposedly means ‘the pleasant one’.
Full of pent up fury and anger from her bouts with her daughters-in-law all day, she got it out on poor old Noah every night: “When is this dreadful rain going to stop?”, “Whose great idea was this Ark?”, “Are you sure God really spoke to you?”, “Why on earth did you have to bring these stupid animals on board”, “Can’t you command your dainty daughters-in-law to help me?” so on and so forth. And from time to time, it got physical! (I told you she was the muscular kind) And much as the hapless Noah tried to defend himself with pillows, she managed to pummel him nightly, out of her frustrations!
I think you’ve guessed by now the origins of the prestigious “Naamah’s Advanced Goading and Nagging Institute” popularly known by its stylish acronym NAG-NI. This is the first institute of choice for young brides the world over wanting to do higher studies in deeper nagging. If you are well acquainted with this form of torture, my guess is that your wife is a distinguished alumna. I should know; I married one.
I think it’s no happenstance that the Bible records that the first to come out of the Ark was Noah. Can you blame him? If you find it hard to believe coming from me, just check your Bible (Genesis 8:18). Look our man is bolting out of the door!
Quite zippy for a 601 year old, what!
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*extracted from the work of தஞ்சை வேதநாயகம் சாஸ்திரியார் namely ஞானத்தச்சனாடகம் under section நோவாவின் பேழை and கப்பற்றமிழ் composed in early 1800s.
** Most places in the modern and 19th century world identified by Zubin. If can’t read Tamil, just follow the names in English.