One of the words that foxes folks in South India when it comes to spelling is ‘Chinese’ as in Chinese Restaurant or Chinese Food, something that is getting increasingly popular even in the rural areas. I have come across several clever variations of the word but the one I liked best was one somewhere near the Karnataka border that simply said “Chains”. No doubt the eatery owner was moved by imagery of noodles knotting among themselves.
Ah, but that is nothing when you see the creative works in Afghanistan. On my very first day, I espied a ‘GULF COURSE’. And if you do want to get there from Kabul city, there is an option of traveling to the place in one of the numerous world war II Benz minibuses imported from Germany, all the way “ENJEYING THE LOVE” as it says on the side panel. You also have the option of “ENOYJING THE LOVE” or if you are bit adventurous you may want to try out still different positions of, er.. the vowels!! But if you haven’t gotten that far in your romance, you might be content with the simple message “I WANT TO YOU”. On the other hand in case you’ve got into trouble in the process and have turned philosophical, you can contemplate the fact that “THERE IS NO ROUS WITHOUT THURN” plastered in bold letters at the back of the bus that went in the opposite direction.
Perhaps philosophy is not your cup of tea. You are the materialistic kind bent on acquiring worldly goods; then you may go to this “PROPARTY DAILER’ or that “PARAPERTY DEELER” or even a third ‘PARAPARATY DEALAR ”across town!!!
Then there are these automobile component shops that get into all sorts of trouble over ‘SPER’ parts or in some cases over ‘MATRIAL’. Some come a little close with ‘MATIERAL’ and a number of them do stock ‘BETREE’; or ‘BETTRY’ (in case you fail to move in the first attempt !). And there are also places offering ‘DICORETION’ for your car!!
There are lots of establishments that offer services like Plembing (the job done by a Plembar, in case you are wondering). One of my favourite establishments in that department is run by some body called Taher who seems to have concluded with some logic that anything ending in “bing” must be Chinese. His shop bears the label “M.Taher Plum.Bing !!!
Yes, Afghans are pretty easy going with their use of English and don’t make a fuss over spelling as long as the message gets across, which it does most of the time. But there can be serious problems with numerals as they are conditioned to the Arabic way of writing from right to left (though numerals do go from the left). And it can be particularly disconcerting when you are dealing with dates (obviously not the Iranian kind); it might come as a bit of a surprise for instance, to find India’s Independence Day noted down as August 51!
While those are sort of universal problems pardonable in a country that never was a British colony, other people have problems too – Indians not excepted, despite years of British rule. In fact the funniest piece in this regard that I’ve seen or heard since my arrival here in Kabul, came not from an Afghani but a fellow Tamil, albeit one who has lived decades in Delhi and says things like “ Mousam nallairukku” He is a cook in the Delhi Durbar Indian restaurant and indeed “Mousam” was his topic when he told me that he likes it in Kabul for the “Kilometer” here is good, no doubt meaning temperature or weather.
18 September 2005
– Judah